how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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