a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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