I want to stick my p in your. b.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
