he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My bed smells like the plague
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
