I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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