I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
