dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
