$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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