My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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