My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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