I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Congratulations! We have a period
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