I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
