my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
