Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
