hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
