remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
