Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I forget how to act sober
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
