remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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