he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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