god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
