woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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