I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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