I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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