so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
