I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I am morally bankrupt
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
