I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
