Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
