just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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