its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
