He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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