i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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