I'm gonna have a badass scar
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
