she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
