I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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