My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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