there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
