My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
