I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
