Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
