I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
