My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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