I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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