You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
