running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You dont lie about slip and slides
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
