happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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