Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
