I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
