your parents love me but you hate me
I think my fart just growled at me.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
