i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
