I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
