You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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